The Right Decision

In addition to self-doubt, mood swings and existential crises, paying rent is another problem that comes with unemployment. Fortunately, I’m just one out of three flat mates with financial difficulties. In a bid to be proactive and solution focused, we started the packing process last week. It took three days, 16 bin liners, nine boxes, sleep deprivation and help from good friends, to throw away, pack, move boxes, load trucks, and get out of the flat we should never have moved into. 

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When sitting on my bedroom floor, covered in dust-balls, trying to fit the past 3.5 years of my life in a few boxes, it suddenly sunk in that a chapter is coming to an end. It’s been the best time of my life, but bad luck brought it all to a premature ending.

I’m angry with myself. I can’t blame it all on bad luck, can I? But it’s easier than blaming myself. My stomach turns at the thought of decisions I’ve made during the past eight months, at how I’ve judged situations. Maybe this really is my own doing. Should “bad luck” be replaced with “bad decisions” and “poor judgement”?

I’m deep in thought, irritated, upset. It scares me how a few words, a belief, an idea, eventually had me end up here. I uncomfortably admit to myself that my reality could have been altered, improved maybe, had I acted more carefully, thought differently, been more critical. But I was cautious, wasn’t I? 

In hindsight, things usually become clearer. It’s easy to look back and realise the nature of a situation. It becomes obvious which choices should have been made. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Really!? I’m just older and none the wiser. My life is at an ambiguous standstill.

I’ve floated out of the system. I don’t study and I don’t work. I commute between two countries, and live in a suitcase. I constantly try to balance desires and wishes with sense and realism. It sucks. I’m hereby humbly asking higher real-estate powers to send us new tenants, praying for the Gods to look after the boxes that contain my life, where they’re left alone in storage, and I’m taking superstition to a new level, crossing fingers, throwing salt and knocking on wood in the hope that I’ve finally made The Right Decision, and a step in the right direction.