Somebody hit 'Play'

My existential crisis just returned with full forces. With all its self-doubt triggers. It hit me today; I’m only young until I’m old. I think Emeli Sande sang it. Time is flying, and that’s an understatement. I try and remind myself that for every great Saturday night out, I am actually growing a week older, and - oh dear - perhaps without getting any wiser. And that’s the worst part.

It feels like somebody hit my life’s ‘Pause’ button about six months ago. There’s so much I want to do. There’s so much I wanted to do. But I’m at a standstill. My inner self is impatiently, frantically, hysterically trying to figure out what is going on.

What have you done? What have you achieved? What have you learnt? Why have you not progressed? Why have you not moved further in life? Why have you not followed your dreams?

Arrghh. I’m pulling my own hair in frustration. I silently shout back that I’m bloody trying! The world doesn’t like me. And it certainly isn’t impressed by my CV, which makes it all an even tougher fight. Excuses, excuses. Life’s treadmill sucks. Time actually is flying, whilst I’m keeping busy running on the spot. I’m stuck. Paralysed. My mind is in ‘Pause’ mode. Somebody, please hit ‘Play’?

I am content, yes. I have fun, I laugh, I enjoy my temporary job. My family and friends are world class. But am I happy? No. And I am trying to change it. I’m dreadfully aware that the blame for my current halt should be directed at my own passive arse. However, as I’ve said before, I am not used to things not going my way. And I don’t believe it’s too much to ask for a fairytale, glitter and fucking unicorns. It’s what I want and I will have it